


My Drunk Darcy

by Codexfawkes



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Drunk coooking, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Friendship, Mis-sung Lyrics, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Pre-Relationship, Puppy Love, Questionable Choices, Taylor Swiffer, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 23:04:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11195313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Codexfawkes/pseuds/Codexfawkes
Summary: “Once your cake babies are filled with yummy goop, put them in oven on 375 for 30 minutes,” Darcy instructed.





	My Drunk Darcy

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is brought to you by one of my favorite web series, My Drunk Kitchen. You can find it here! www.youtube.com/myharto  
> I own nothing. Any characters used from the Marvel universe and any quotes from anywhere are not mine. Joss is Boss.

Jane sat the breakfast bar in the communal kitchen writing in her science journal, Thor at her side eating the dinner they’d ordered. Steve was assembling some sort of pasta dish on the other side of the kitchen when Tony walked in carrying a small cardboard box.

“Foster your intern sent another package to my shop for you, she’s gotta cut that out,” Tony said tossing the box toward her with a frown. Jane didn’t look up, narrowly avoiding being hit in the head by Thor’s quick reflexes. “Seriously, she needs to stop labeling shit like that. I’m starting to think she really is my kid,” Tony continued as he opened the fridge. Thor read the label, chuckling to himself over the creative address.

To: My Janie c/o Sugardaddy Starkbucks

Avengers Tower

200 Park Ave. 

New York, NY

Office# boobs

 

From: Luscious Taser Goddess

SI London

Jane's Mom's House

London, England

Office# Odin Sux

 

Date: Today Bitches!

Department: R&D

Requisitioner: Head Minion

Shipped VIA: Air Stark

Contents: 1 box o'awesome

Req #: 69 dude!

Priority Code: Jarvis is our King

 

“Jane,” Thor said, pitching his voice to a deeper tone she always responded to. Jane hummed an inquiring sound and looked over at him. Thor smirked and tilted the box so she could read the label. Jane snorted in amusement, grinning as she set her pen and journal aside to take the box from him. Opening the box she found a flash drive with a violently purple sticky note attached that read ‘Play me Bitches!’, and a hand towel wrapped mason jar full of something brown. Another sticky note said ‘Sharing is caring and most likely not poison!’ Laughing out loud Jane showed Thor the contents getting a similar laugh from the Thunder God.

“What is it?” Steve asked curiously, coming over to the counter.

“See for yourself,” Jane invited sliding the box toward him.

“Play me bitches?” Steve asked amused. He’d never met Darcy, but he knew from the various stories he’d heard and the random stuff she sent to Jane through Tony that she was a definite character. He was looking forward to meeting the little trouble maker.

“That’s not what it says,” Jane and Clint said together. Jane yelped and glared at Clint over her shoulder.

“When the hell did you get here? I hate it when you do that,” she complained. Clint smirked at her but otherwise didn’t respond.

“What do you mean that’s not what it says?” Steve asked in confusion  choosing to ignore the by-play between Jane and Clint.

“You said it wrong, you gotta put more feeling into it man, like this ‘ _Play Me Bitches_!’” Clint corrected channeling his inner Steven Tyler as he half sang the words.

“Yeah, like that,” Jane agreed nodding. Steve shook his head and chuckled.

“Come on Foster, let’s plug that bad boy in,” Tony encouraged heading for the lounge area. Jane grinned and grabbed the box, following him toward the TV, the others trailing behind. While Jane got the drive setup to play on the big TV, Tony called Sam, Nat, Bruce, and Pepper to the lounge. Once everyone had gotten comfortable Jane pressed play on the remote. The screen came to life showing Darcy standing in a narrow kitchen wearing jeans, a green tank top, flannel shirt, and her glasses.

“Hell-o,” she greet waving broadly. “So earlier on Skype we were talking about how much fun it used to be when you were sad and missing Thor and we’d get drunk and cook things, sometimes they wouldn’t even suck. Since you’re there missing Thor while he Avengers with his bros smashing Hydra, the Nazi fuckers, and I’m alone missing you while we science apart for like the first time ever. Totally not counting when you got all mopey, depressed, sad and stopped sciencing for a while BTdubs. Anywho, tonight it’s our drunk kitchen long distance style!” Darcy enthused. “So get your drink of choice and let’s rock this bitch,” Darcy said grabbing a glass bottle off the counter and pulling the cork off it. “Boop boop,” she sang.

“Oh god, she’s got the tequila,” Jane groaned laughing. The video cut to Darcy now holding a mason jar filled with liquid and ice.

“Okay my hetero lifemate Janie poo, tonight we’re making I love you cake in a jar. Why? Because why not? So we got our tequila mixed drinky, and now we’re ready to bake. So step one in making cake in a jar is…look up a recipe for cake,” Darcy declared the whole room laughing at her antics.

The video cut again and showed Darcy holding her phone.

“Okay we have a recipe and step number fun, is take a bunch of shit and put it in a bowl,” Darcy announced.

“Sounds right to me,” Tony snickered.

“So to make cake we need flour,” Darcy let them know as she held up a glass bowl in one hand and the other hand tipped a random amount of flour from a paper bag into the bowl. “Next sugar!” she enthused dumping in a bunch of brown sugar. “Salt,” she continued tipping a little salt into the bowl. “Baking soda,” and in went the ingredient. “Cocoa powder because chocolate is love,” Darcy declared. “Now reward your hard work in getting this far by taking a drink,” Darcy ordered before taking a deep swallow humming as she did. “Step next, add some more shit, I’m thinking some kind of liquid component,” Darcy continued getting more laughter. The video cut and she was holding her phone again, the bowl visible on the counter behind her.

“When in doubt, ask Jarvis cause Siri’s a little bitch,” Darcy instructed. “So Jarvis says we need butter, eggs, and milk. Sounds like solid advice,” Darcy agreed nodding. The video cut and now she was holding two brown eggs, one in each hand. “I can’t tell you how **_eggs-cited_** I am to be making this video,” Darcy declared with an exaggerated wink causing everyone to groan while laughing. “Now rub your cool eggs on your face, because tequila makes you hot,” she stated rolling the eggs against her cheeks. “Ooo, that’s nice, like being at a spa,” Darcy described. The video cut again and she was holding the eggs up again but now they had faces drawn on them.

“Don’t forget to draw cute faces on them, because it’s more fun when things are cute,” Darcy declared. The video cut again and she was holding the bowl again in her right hand and one of the smiling eggs in her left hand. “Now, put the eggs in your stuff mixture,” she said lowering the egg to the edge of the bowl, stopping half an inch from the rim. “Ah I can’t do it, he’s too cute!” Darcy exclaimed guiltily. The video cut and now she was holding the grinning eggs again. “So you’ve made a horrible mistake and your eggs are too cute to kill. Now what? Well we set them aside in a little towel nest and use two plain eggs to make your cake. Because I’m not a fucking monster okay?” Darcy defended, the group dissolving into helpless laughter.

The video cut again and came back to Darcy with the bowl and a plain egg, the smiling ones visible in the background tucked into a towel.

“Now crack your plain eggs into the bowl,” she instructed before doing just that. “Whew, that’s over with, now take your cute eggs and put them back in the fridge to die a natural, guilt free death of old age,” Darcy said. They all laughed watching her gather the smiling eggs and put them back in the fridge. “Kiss kiss egg-ys, sleep tight,” she sing-songed before closing the door. The video cut again and went back to Darcy holding the bowl.

“Step now, add butter,” she told them dropping a stick of butter into the mixture. “Now milk,” she enthused pouring some in. “Next mix the fuck out of it,” Darcy said cheerfully. They watched a edited montage of her stirring and drinking from her mason jar. Finally she was done stirring.

“Now that you’ve mixed the fuck out of it, it’s time to fill up your jars with deliciousness,” Darcy reported. The video cut once more to Darcy holding two mason jars full of batter. “Once your cake babies are filled with yummy goop, put them in oven on 375 for 30 minutes,” Darcy instructed.

“Did she say cakes babies?” Sam asked laughing.

“Yup,” Jane confirmed fondly, a huge smile on her face.

They all watched as Darcy turned to the oven, lifted her leg and used her foot to open the door, before bending to slide the jars into the oven.

“Bye babies, mommy loves you, see you when you’re all grown up!” Darcy called out before shutting the oven while making kissy noises. She turned back to the camera smiling. “While that cooks, find some way to amuse yourself, maybe clean the floor because it’s dis-gusting,” Darcy suggested. The video cut to Darcy with her back to the camera as she ran Swiffer over the floor, singing under her breath while she did. “She wears short skirts I wear t-shirts, she’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleeper,” she sang. All of a sudden she whirled around grinning, her face alight with wonder. “Guys! It’s Taylor Swiffer!” Darcy cried holding up the Swiffer. A collection of groans and laughter filled the room as the video cut again, this time showing Darcy using the handle of the Swiffer as a microphone as she belted out the song. “You're cheer captain an I’m on the bleachers, thinkin bout the day when you’ll make love to find that what you’re lookin for is it in the behind?!” she sang enthusiastically.

The entire room was in hysterics laughing at her exploits playing out on the TV screen.

“Oh fuck, Clint she’s your spirit animal!” Tony cackled, Darcy still singing her heart out.

“Don’t you feel the way I’m the one who double hands you?” she sang from the screen causing Tony to howl in laughter. The video cut again and now she was just standing there. “Now that you’ve cleaned while you wait, you know you have no regrets,” Darcy told them before making kisses at the camera.

The video cut again to show the oven was beeping.

“’Kay,” Darcy said before opening the over door and looking in. “Wow, Janie, we made a real thing!” she exclaimed. The video cut again and she was holding the two jars in her oven mitt covered hands.

“Now, see if it’s poison!” Darcy enthused. She put one of the jars down, leaving the oven mitt wrapped around it, before grabbing a butter knife and sticking it into the remaining jar of cake. She pulled it out and it didn’t have any batter on it. “Oh looked it actually cooked,” Darcy said sounding amazed. “Now take a bite,” she sing-songed. Darcy dug out a mound of cake with her fingers holding it up to the camera. “Fuck that’s hot. Smile through the pain cause who needs finger prints anyway,” she joked with an exaggerated grin. Darcy quickly shoved the bite of cake into her mouth. “Mmmmm!” she hummed with a look of surprised delight, then quickly shoved another bite in her mouth. “Oh my Thor, guys, it’s so good,” she moaned with her mouth full.

The video cut to Darcy squirting chocolate syrup into the jar, followed by whipped cream, before taking a huge spoonful and shoving it in her mouth.

“Oh yeah, that’s the stuff,” she moaned happily. The video cut again and showed Darcy now just standing there holding up the half eaten jar of cake.

“So here it is Janie, our lovely cake baby of friendship. You know, relationships are a lot like cooking, you know. You’ve had a lot of bad experiences, and you have a lot of times where you’ve fucked up, ummm, but for some reason…you started a video about cooking,” Darcy said sounding confused before widening her eyes. “I don’t get you man,” she said shaking her head. The video cut again and went back to Darcy standing drinking from her cup. “What I’m trying to say is…I really want a puppy,” Darcy declared.

Everyone dissolved into helpless laughter once more as the video ended the words “Miss You!” splashed across the screen.

 

Two weeks later, Darcy walked into her apartment in the Tower only to stop short at the sight of Clint in the kitchen with a shy grin on his face. At his feet was an adorable one-eyed golden lab and in his arms was a tiny, grey, French Bulldog puppy.

“Whaaat?” she asked bewildered.

“You uh, you said you wanted a puppy. I cleared it with Stark, she’s a rescue,” Clint said ducking his head. Darcy clapped her hands over her mouth, her eyes widening.

“Oh my Thor, you got me a puppy?” she breathed in joyous disbelief.

“It’s not a cake baby, but yeah, she’s all yours,” Clint confirmed. Darcy quickly crossed the room, reaching out and gently lifting the dog out of his arms cradling it in her own.

“Oh, you’re so beautiful sweet puppy, hi I’m your mommy,” Darcy told her happily. Clint grinned at the two of them, thrilled with her reaction to the dog.

“I uh, got you some stuff to get you started, and figured later Lucky and I can show you guys the dog run in the park,” Clint offered.

Darcy looked up at him, amazement and happiness on her face before nodding.

“Yeah, yeah I’d…we’d really like that,” Darcy agreed before biting her lip, a flush climbing her cheeks. Clint’s grin grew and he rocked on his heels nodding.

“Cool, it’s a date,” he said, Lucky letting out a low woof of agreement.

“Yeah, it is,” Darcy agreed with a mischievous smirk before burying her face in the puppy’s fur.

“You have a gift from Stark too,” Clint told her.

“Yeah?” she asked raising an eyebrow. Clint laughed and stepped aside revealing a huge gift basket full of booze and baking supplies. Darcy burst out laughing, Clint grinning at her reaction. “Oh man, living here is never gonna be dull is it?” she asked grinning.

“Sweetheart, you’ve got no idea,” Clint smirked.

The End


End file.
